Four Phrases an Aspiring Servant Leader Should Avoid Using
These phrases are not particularly egregious but for the servant leader, these phrases unduly complicate conversations and take away opportunities to build trust. Omit these phrases from your vocabulary and elevate your servant leadership path.
1. “I hope you don’t take this the wrong way”
Words matter, and the aspiring servant leader understands that hearers hang on every word, especially when feedback is being provided. To lead in with the “...don’t take this the wrong way” statement sets up a negative expectation and a defensive reaction. The natural response is “Uh Oh, let me brace myself for something bad.”
Try This: Practice directness instead. Trust is the foundation of the servant leader’s relationship, and an aspiring servant leader has spent substantial time building authentic relationships, providing honest praise and fair criticism. He or she does not need to lead into a feedback discussion apologetically. When trust exists, team members assume the best intentions of the servant leader in the conversation.
2. “You should have…”
How you give feedback is as important as the feedback itself. The blame-oriented leader seeks to assign responsibility for a failed objective. This approach is often emotional, fearful (seeking to cover themselves) and unproductive in problem solving.
Try This: Approach conversations ensuring feedback is constructive, solution oriented, and not intentionally hurtful or abrasive. Instead of “You should have…” or “Why didn’t you…” statements, consider asking, “How would you handle this differently?” or “This task was important, so lets’ discuss what happened and figure out how to keep it from happening again.” The servant leader approach encourages the team member to contemplate their performance, self-reflect and consider opportunities for improvement.
3. “Why can’t you be like ___?”
A servant leader is mindful of the individuality of team members. The missed opportunity in comparing employees is at least two-fold. First, the servant leader misses the chance to identify the strengths of a team member and assign tasks that build on those strengths. Second, it stifles creativity. If the employee is told directly or indirectly that the way “___” does something is the preferred way, it closes the door on new and innovative ideas and approaches.
Try This: Identify the unique tasks and duties that come easiest for team members and individually discuss what each team member enjoys doing most. Place team members in positions to succeed by doing what they do best.
4. “My employer doesn’t like me.”
A few years ago, I attended leadership training and the speaker, an educator, reveled in the fact that his current employer doesn’t support him. In fact, he described his employer as hating him and offered his reciprocal feeling. He bragged that due to tenure, his employer was unable to fire him. For some, the speaker’s admission of a negative feeling about his employer, affirmed his authenticity and speaker credibility. In my view, the speaker’s presentation was tainted by his willingness to undermine the credibility of his own institution for personal gain. He came across as a disgruntled employee.
Try This: Approach disagreements with individuals or organizations directly. One of the servant leader’s calling cards is an ability to communicate honestly and respectfully. The aspiring servant leader responds honorably in the face of unfair treatment and is mindful that “disgruntled employee” and “Servant Leader” are identities that do not co-exist in one person.
Words can serve both positive and damaging ends. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” Proverbs 18-21. For the aspiring servant leader, this translates into an awareness of when and how words are used. Words can be used to heal, nurture or discourage. Because the aspiring servant leader is committed to the growth of others, he or she must be careful not to trade hard-earned trust for a moment of venting due to a disappointing moment. Instead, crucial moments become learning experiences and opportunities for building up and encouragement versus tearing down. Instead of demeaning an employee, the servant leader approach motivates team members to contemplate their own standards and effort and seek to do better.
Malcolm A. Hankins is a public servant, nonprofit chair and keynote speaker. His focus is on leadership effectiveness, employee relations, community engagement and ministry.